Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”
6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much
Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated
They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time