When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
The funk soul brother
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.