@lucascomedian

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

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@TheMichaelRock

HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.

@msbtx

“Snitches get stitches,” I whisper to my 3 year old as he watches me brush Oreo crumbs from the bed sheets.

@AnOrangeSNES

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

@carlyken

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

@natkaotic

Those of you who believe everything you read on the internet probably also believe there’s hot local singles in your area.

@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.