When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

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Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.


teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now


I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again


4 words. 5 syllables. Easy to say. Hard to prove. ”I am a zebra.”


6th grade nurse: do you play baseball
Me: uhh why
Nurse: your right arm is so much stronger than-
Me: oh yeah! Yeah I play baseball so much


Research shows that in 100% of cases, when someone says “Oh no she didn’t!”, she in fact, did.


[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”


I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.


just learned that “hanky panky” is not slang for “hankering for a pancake”. feeling devastated


They say drugs will hurt your long term memory but I kind of take pride in needing to Google the proper spelling of “Bieber” every damn time