When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
You Might Also Like
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Am I having a stroke?
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.