When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
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Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
We all have our pet causes.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
🤣🤣🤣
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.