Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
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I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though