@michaelianblack

When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.

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@Social_Mime

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

@ClassicMegan

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

@bombsydoll

WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?

@the_anastasia

My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.

@socarolinesays

I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water

@Megatronic13

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

@gothicaseas

Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@_Water_Baby

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.