On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
WHAT’S WITH THE MIXED SIGNALS DUDE? YOU TURN THE LIGHTS OFF & MOVE IN CLOSE BUT WHEN I KISS YOU YOURE LIKE WHOA IM JUST DOING YOUR EYE EXAM?
My friend is so stupid she thought Alabama is a city. Don’t worry, I informed her Alabama is the president.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
I used to think I’d never be able to be president because I’m a woman but now I know it’s because I don’t like drinking water
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Always a bridesmaid, never the voice that mysteriously bleeds from the corner of your bedroom wall.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.