When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Brilliant!
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I can’t deal with men any longer
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.