Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

Me: This date is going well

Her: Yes

Me: You look sexy as hell

Her: Thank you

Guy she’s on a date with: dude

Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up

Finally

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-Morse code.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.

ㅤ

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

Saw Babygirl today and 40 minutes into the movie the old white guy sitting next to me turned to his wife and said, “this is not a Christmas movie,” and they got up and left. That’s the power of cinema, baby.

[My first 4th of July in the States]

Me: so when do we fight the aliens?

Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.

Me: this is bullshit

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.