Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?

Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

My joke about a partition wall really split the room

My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?

courtroom exchange of the day

:/

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”