Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a bad vocabulary is very bad

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows

HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”

Me: They were donut holes

HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”

Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?

HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

Choosing the correct font is crucial…

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them

I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows

The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.