When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
I am all good here, 😂😉
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!