When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.