When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
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Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Self-cleaning conscience
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
