Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?

My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.

Shoo shoo! 😂

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

woman in my gym locker room has multiple containers of fresh chinese takeout spread out on the bench and is just happily munching away

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out

If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend