When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
![]()
You Might Also Like
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.