when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
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How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
A woman drives into a bar.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal