when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
You Might Also Like
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*