Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.

Wife- Don’t forget the trash.

Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.

Wife- What did you ju…

Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe

Me: What do you sell here

Waitress: Just desserts

Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

The Eggorcist

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

People:

I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…

I’m back.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.