when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”