When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradableif you care about the planet have unprotected sex!
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
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