When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Childbirth is so beautiful
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Wife: Why are you so handsome?
Me: Because I have an amazing wife who takes care of me and motivates me to stay in shape and eat well
Wife: 🥰
Me: Why are you so pretty?
Wife: bc I have a skin care routine
Oh we’ve met.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff