When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
You Might Also Like
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED