When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.