Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.

2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?

Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?

2020: How’s your back?

Me: Damn it!

2020: *teehee*

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.

Not one.

There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.