Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

me: i can handle my alcohol

5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-

Why my cw hates me

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:

drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?

my advisor: um..yes?

drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?

my advisor: …yes

*wild cheering over phone from bar*

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?

Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.