Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*holds a grudge*

Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”