when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
#polloftheday
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it