when revenge coincides with naptime
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Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!