when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.