when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
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my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Me: I hate it when people make me wait.
Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆