when robert pattinson was introduced to snapchat filters
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Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Sponch
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Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
The options really are this bad
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[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.