Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Hunting Robots]

Me: You a robot?

Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*

M: Hm. That checks out.

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

😂

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

me: I’m going to kill the moon

dude: the moon is flat

me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.

also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…

*Husband brings entire purse*

Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.

Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!

AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?

ME: Hammers

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.