when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
if you’re a brand marketer and your client says “we should do a popup!”, sometimes it’s okay for you to say “no we should not”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I