When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Eating for two.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Note to self: I am a note
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.