When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
You Might Also Like
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
barbara was highly relatable
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”