When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Astrologer: do you know what we say about November birthdays?
Me: that the Valentines lingerie worked?
Astrologer: no
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?