When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂