When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
You Might Also Like
Netflix and you sit over there.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
brian had himself a morning…
I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.
When do they kick in?
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.