When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
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damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.