when she block me on everything
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
the three genders
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
We don’t deserve birds.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free