when she block me on everything
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles