when she block me on everything
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.