when she block me on everything
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Cheer up.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
☠️
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.