When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
You Might Also Like
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog