Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Cute kid. What’s his name?

Me: Kenwood.

You:

Me: I’m really into stereotypes.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.

I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.

-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*

uh oh

*frantically starts flipping through pages*

uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

I needed a laugh this morning.

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!