Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Every haunted house movie:

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.

WebMD: With the fishes.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy