Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost

If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

i like to flex on them by shrugging

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

*Screaming at kids at soccer practice

LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see

It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No