When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
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My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Miscakes
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo