When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
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5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall