When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My work here is don’t.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
fly smarter, not harder
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.