When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Human are so complicated
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer