When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Inside you there are two wolves
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
#NoRestForTheWicked
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?