When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
seriously you guys
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class