When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Leaving the Barbers like
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
broke down and did it
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.