Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

[saying goodnight in French]

me: bon nuit

autocorrect: bone unit

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

S/o to @funTweeters .

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.