@tchrquotes

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

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@wolfpupy

if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank

@Book_Krazy

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

@catstronomical

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

@ShootyDoody

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

@NewDadNotes

Horse: [slides $20 across the table] I need you to take out the Unicorn.

God: [pocketing money] why?

Horse: because he deserves it.

[later at dinner]

Unicorn: well this is nice.

God: [passing breadsticks] i’m told you deserve it.

@unravelingfire

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.