When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

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[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today


Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?


Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan


ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?

GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]

ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.


ME: Because I care.


Recipes used to be terse instructions handwritten on an index card. Now you scroll through a Paris engagement story before you get to how to make the goddamn soup.


[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.


*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*


Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.


Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times lets face it you’re a jerk and I’m stupid