When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?