When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Why? Just why? 😂
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
