When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.