When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
These work great until they don’t.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.