Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story

Does your wife know you’re single?

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

[my first day as a bank teller]

guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal

me: i’ll need to see some ID sir

guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID

me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?

guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery

me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*

nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Cop: can I see some id

Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change

Cop: are you high

Me: yes sir

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard