When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
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murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!