Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.