When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
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[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
NORMALIZE WORKPLACE HAMMOCKS
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am