Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly

9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do

7: mom what’s chicken made of?

me: um, chicken

7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?

me: no…

7: how about our dog?

me: *rips up application to harvard*

7 year old: Cruella DeVille is a bad person

Me: judging by your dusty ass coat I can see why you would think that

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”

That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.

Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.

Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.

Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.