When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
blocked.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Ovenable?
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
