When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
honey, bring out the fine china.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
