When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
🤣🤣💀
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Thank you 🥹
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT