When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
