When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
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[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
this country is so goddamn polarized
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”