Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.

If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.

I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.

Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.

I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.

when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell

wow he looks just like him

People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao