When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
make up your mind
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.