Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

SPLOOT

Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.

Me: I am above the law.

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]

Rudolph: what’s that Santa?

Santa: oh it’s nothing venison

Rudolph: what?

Santa: I meant son….nothing son

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

[first date]

date: i’m an optimist

me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?

[trying to impress a girl]

Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*

I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.