When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
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You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Ken is short for chicken
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Saw your ex at the shops
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Planet of the Apps.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco