When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together