When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Fiction has to make sense.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere