When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure