Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

[shakes fist at other fist]

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Nature abhors a vacuum

My dog: frfr

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer

me: were they favorable

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I’m a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I’m a pizza person.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun