When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem