When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
