When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Education is vital
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula