When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
my proudest tweet
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today